Carry On Camping...

This is my first blog in ages, I know this is backdated by about a month, but just pretend it’s August 29th while you read this.

The past few weeks have been wasted…sorry I mean spent doing college work, I’m starting to get sick of it now and couldn’t give a flying crap whether I pass or not, just as long as I don’t have to do it anymore.

A week ago we all went to the Plough, it was my first night out in ages because of college work and the lack of money, it was good to see everyone again, I was starting to forget what they all looked like. The highlight of the night though had to be when we were talking about funerals and Alex said “I went to a funeral once…it wasn’t much fun”.

(Cue Dallas theme tune)
Starring (in alphabetical order)...


And introducing...

On Thursday we were all going to Reading for the ‘pop festival’, Gaz got to my house for about 5:45, it was still dark and I was still half asleep. We made our way to Adam’s house where we encountered a slight problem.

We could barely get all our stuff in the boot, we could just about get all our stuff in and close the boot, and that was with just us 3, we still had to pick up Gemma and Jo.

When we went to pick them up we had a real problem getting all the stuff in, we had to take stuff out and rearrange how we put everything in, it was like a puzzle off the Krypton Factor, in the end the boot just about closed and we started out.

The journey there wasn’t as bad as I thought, the roads were pretty quiet until we got into Reading itself when someone pointed out that Gaz’s tyre was going down, it was probably because of all the weight in the boot. Just before we parked the car we were given some free Müllerice by some woman, but as I’ve learnt in the past free food always has a catch, little did we know what horrors were lurking around the corner.

We parked the car in yellow car park next to a giant Campino on wheels which made us easier to find, we then took our tents and searched for a place to put our tents up. We found a spot in orange camp which was perfect, it had been a year since I last put my tent up and what with being half asleep I found it quite difficult to put up but I managed it in the end…just about.

Once our tents were up we headed back to the car to get the rest of our stuff, I travelled as light as possible because I remember the trouble I had last year trying to carry everything. Gaz had bought a bit too much stuff with him though so we helped him carry his picnic box and suitcase for him.

Eventually we could sit down in our tents and relax, It had been a long day and yet it was only midday. Gemma went to get some food out of her bag when disaster struck, the Müllerice given to her by that crazy woman turned out to be highly explosive and had gone all over everything, it was disgusting and enough to put you off Müllerice forever.

After a quick drink or two we headed off for wristband exchange to get our wristbands, it had been 4 months since I took my wristband off from last year so it felt a bit weird to have a wristband on again, although my wristband was put on a bit wonky this time so I might not keep it on long.

Back at the tents we were all starting to feel a bit knackered, Gaz then showed us a new side to him: GARETH THE GIMP!!!!!

He wanted Gemma or Jo to attach a chain to him and take him for a walk though the camp site but surprisingly they both refused, I reckon I’d be traumatized for life if he had.

All this gimpiness proved too much for Gaz as he suddenly fell asleep, at first we thought he was dead and that he had Müllerice poisoning, but as I was thinking of the best way to dispose of the body he woke up.

I checked the weather forecast before we headed out and it said that we were going to have a bit of rain on the Thursday, so far it was bright and sunny, not a drop of rain in sight when suddenly:

“Was that rain?”
“Don’t think so.”
“I’m sure I just felt some rain.”
“Wait, I think I just felt some.”
“IT’S SPITTING, EVERYBODY IN!” (shouted by the whole campsite)

…Such comedians. In fact it was more than a bit of rain, we had a thunderstorm, its quite scary to experience a thunderstorm when you’re sat in a tent, I sat in my tent watching the rain land on my tent and thinking how valuable my wellies were going to be, I started reading a bit of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas before falling asleep.

When I awoke I could hear everyone talking about starting a fire, at first I got paranoid that they were talking about using my tent but then I remembered that we had firewood so I’ll be ok. Last year we had real trouble lighting the fire because it was so damp, and I was convinced that this year would be no different, especially seeing as we forgot to bring the firewood in when it was raining.

As Adam and Gaz were setting up the fire I was sat there telling them that it wouldn’t work and was getting ready to say ‘I told you so’, but they actually got the fire going, there was a lot of smoke and we could barely see for it all but it was a good fire and we had a few candles on the go too.

Eventually we all got too tired to even speak anymore and had a really busy day so we all headed off to bed, as I was getting settled in my sleeping bag I could hear water running, at first I thought nothing of it but then I could hear someone cough, I turned round to see the silhouette of a bloke taking a piss next to my tent, needless to say I didn’t want anyone pissing up my tent but he had gone before I had the chance to say anything, 20 minutes later when I finally warmed up it started again, at this point I didn’t care if someone urinated up my tent, I wasn’t leaving the minimal warmth of my sleeping bag for anything.

I was woken at 9am by a ‘bollocks’ chant, I didn’t get much sleep but I wasn’t that bothered, my tent was dry and I had 2 packets of biscuits so I was happy. We all got our wellies on and headed down to the arena, the mud was pretty bad, it wasn’t as bad as last year but it was still enough to ruin a perfectly good pair of trainers.

Take all these signs as a warning, keep them all in mind, then leave them all behind…

The first band we saw were The Black Velvets on the NME/Radio 1 stage, I found them rather boring and couldn’t wait for them to finish, it felt like they were singing forever. They had nothing to make them any different from any other bands about today really, the best part of their set was when they finished.

When they finally shut up I grabbed a quick burger and headed over to the main stage with Adam and Gaz, I couldn’t wait to see this band…

You-You-You-You-You-You-You-You-You fukin' knows it,
Ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-nineteen eighty three…

Goldie Lookin’ Chain were just starting, I missed them last year because we were watching Mad Action and I wasn’t all that bothered at the time but I thought they’d be worth seeing this year because they’re meant to be really good live.

They did all the usual favourites such as ‘Half Man Half Machine‘, ‘Your Mother’s Got a Penis’ and ‘Soap Bar’ and they did some new tracks called ‘Your Missus is a Nutter’ and ‘If You Leave Me Now Can I Fuck Your Sister? (And Your Best Friend)’.

I really enjoyed seeing the GLC, they were hilarious. Afterwards I went back to the tents with Adam and Gaz because there were no bands playing for a while that we were that bothered about, I suggested going for a walk into Reading town centre but we decided to take the car instead so we could stick it in orange car park and save us the walk to the car for when we go back.

Reading has the same crappy one way system as Wolverhampton, its impossible to park anywhere and nearly every road is a bus lane, we went down one bus lane and found this one rather dodgy looking car park, we parked the car, I banged my head, and we headed off in search of food.

We went into Reading station where we found a Subway, I was so hungry, I ordered a 6 inch steak and cheese with honey and mustard sauce, the Jamaican woman behind the counter didn’t have a very good grasp of English.

Could I have a 6 inch steak and cheese on Italian please?
Ya nyam braata deaders n cheese roti foot long? (A foot long steak and cheese?)
Um…I’m sorry?
Ya nyam braata deaders n cheese roti foot long bwoy? (A foot long steak and cheese young man?)
Um…yes?
Toasted? (Toasted?)
No thanks.
Kallaloo? (Salad?)
Um…err…(guessing) Lettuce?
…Bumba clot. (You are a silly person)
I’m sorry?
Let off. (You can pay at the till)
…charming!

I’d been given a foot-long instead of a 6 inch but I didn’t care, I was too hungry to care.

We headed back to the car and drove back to orange car park where we were told we weren’t allowed in, no problem, we’ll drive back into yellow cark park, which we did and couldn’t find a space. We had to park in the overflow car park which was miles away and get the boat back to the festival.

On the boat was some weirdo who was inhaling laughing gas, at first nobody had a problem with it until he started shouting at random people, then he opened the window and started shouting at people the outside, I couldn’t wait to get off that boat before he started shouting at me. We went back to the tents to get a quick drink and then headed off back to the arena to catch the next band.

Feel good hit of the summer…

Queens Of The Stone Age were just starting on the main stage, I’ve always wanted to see them live and they are one of my favourite bands. They opened with ‘Go With The Flow’ which really got the crowd going mad, then they went into ‘Feel Good Hit Of The Summer’, ‘The Lost Art Of Keeping A Secret’ and ‘First It Giveth’. They even played ‘Regular John’ which was on their first album before playing some new songs and some Desert Session stuff too.

They also had a new member of their band who was a scary keyboard player who looked like a witch, but if that wasn’t bizarre enough we were stood behind a giant sunflower for the entire set and towards the end we saw a dog float into space. They ended on ‘No One Knows’ which I saw them play live on TV a few weeks before at the Oxygen festival, it has definitely got to be one of the best songs I’ve ever seen performed live, the way Josh Homme starts to play a different song towards the end and then goes back into ‘No One Knows’ is pure genius.

It’s indie rock ‘n’ roll for me…

Next up were The Killers, they opened with ‘Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine’ and went through most of the songs off the album, it would have been good to hear some new stuff off them but unfortunately they only played one new track which was called ‘All The Pretty Faces’. Some Pixies fans behind us kept singing Pixies lyrics along with all The Killers’ songs, when they started to play ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ one of them yelled out “My mum fucking loves you guys!”

What really ruined it for me though was halfway through their set I was having trouble with my camera, as I was trying to sort it out and delete all my blurred photos some smart arse took a look at one of my crap photos and went “Oh, THAT’S good quality!”, I turned round and told him to piss off. They finished with ‘Mr Brightside’ and ‘All These Things That I Have Done’, as the whole crowd started to jump around for ‘Mr Brightside’ I ‘accidentally’ felt my elbow collide with Mr Smartarse’s face.

After seeing The Killers we went for a quick drink and a leg stretch before the next band came on, as we were walking along I saw someone I recognised, it was Helen with her sister, they didn’t get there until late Thursday night because they had some trouble with her sister’s ticket.

As Helen’s sister deserted her and went off with some friends I was surprised when Helen said she was going to miss the next band out and go back to her tent, considering who it was I was shocked.

Hey, been trying to meet you…

This was the band I’d been most excited about seeing, it’s not everyday that you get the opportunity to see the Pixies play live, this is possibly my favourite band ever and probably the most influential band in the history of music, when you think about it, nearly every band we’ll see this weekend were inspired by the Pixies.

They kicked off with 'U-Mass' and the feeling of disbelief came over me, I was actually watching the Pixies live. Frank Black, Kim Deal, Joey Santiago and David Lovering were all just metres away from me.

They played all the favourites off their 5 albums, although they didn’t play any songs off this rumoured ‘new album’ that they’re working on, but they kicked ass anyway. Just before the encore Frank turned to Kim and said:

“How’s your cold Kim? Do you wanna do THE song?”
“I’m not sure how I feel.” She said
“Well, we’ll play one more and see how you feel.” said Frank.

Was ‘THE song’ he was referring to what I hoped it was? I got all excited and ready to sing along to ‘Gigantic’ when they suddenly started playing ‘Hey’, after they finished ‘Hey’ they started to play ‘THE song’, the bass line kicked in:

“Dum. Dum-dum-dum, dum-dum. Dum-dum-dum, dum-dum. Dum-dum-dum, dum-dum. Dum-dum-dum, dum-dum”

‘THE song’ was ‘Gigantic’ and it was amazing to hear live, as it was playing I could picture Helen sat in her tent being able to hear it while gritting her teeth.

After they finished we headed back to the tents where we found out that Gemma and Jo were right at the very front throughout the Pixies, we got a fire going and had a few drinks.

I could feel my bladder filling so I went to the skanky toilets, while I was there a bunch of kids who must have been no older than 16 came up to me and started asking me what the one thing was that you couldn’t go without in life. The first things that I said were water, oxygen, food, clean underwear, the usual stuff, but then they told me that the future was pegs, personally I couldn’t see it, they told me that when there is a ‘bollocks’ chant not to shout bollocks but to shout pegs.

…Some people really shouldn’t be given fizzy drinks.

When I got back to my tent I was feeling the effects of such a busy day and the lack of sleep so decided to go to bed, as I got into my sleeping bag I suddenly felt something crunch, I sat up to find 3 Wotsits in my sleeping bag, I wasn’t too happy about this and yelled out “Who put Wotsits in my sleeping bag?” only to hear distant laughter coming from surrounding tents.

That night I slept a lot better than the night before, but when I woke up my tent was like an oven so I couldn’t wait to head off towards the arena.

Somehow I knew that it would be this way, somehow I knew that it would slowly fade…

The first band we saw were the All American Rejects, they opened with ‘One More Sad Song’ or at least I think they did because the singer’s microphone wasn’t working so it was a case of guessing the song from the backing vocals. They played ‘Swing Swing’ and their new song called ‘Dirty Little Secret’ which I wasn’t too keen on.

The highlight of the set though was this kid in front of me who was dancing all the way through like a teacher at a school disco, I would have filmed him if I could keep still enough from laughing.

Think that the circus is friendly it’s more like a mutual interest in a nosebleed, think again…

We stayed where we were for Biffy Clyro because we had quite a good view, I was rather excited because when we saw them 2 years ago I wasn’t into them as much as I am now, I’d had various opportunities to see them since but something had always got in the way of seeing them.

I cant remember what song they started with but I have a feeling it was ‘Some Kind Of Wizard’, all I remember was the bass being so loud it hurt, I felt like blood was going to start pouring from my mouth. They played ’57’, ’My Recovery Injection’, ’Justboy’ and I think they played ‘Glitter And Trauma’ too, they were great and what made it even better was that kid was still dancing from when All American Rejects were playing.

We then hurried over to the Lock Up stage for a band I was really looking forward to seeing.

And I’m scared of the kids who come to our shows, and scared of the words that they seem to know…


For ages now I’d been wanting to see Million Dead live, I’m a huge fan and they have to be in my top 3 favourite bands, they kicked off with ‘Macgyver’ from what I remember and the crowd went mad, lots of 15 year old boys started taking their frustrations out on each other and started a mosh pit which I wasn’t too happy about, I find mosh pit’s a bit pointless to be honest, when you go to see a band you want to enjoy it, not to have fight to keep on your feet for the whole set while some sweaty 15 year boy is pushing you and shaking his head like a total spastic.

I backed away from the kids as ‘Father My Father’ started, it has to be one of my favourite songs off the 2nd album, they didn’t play ‘Living The Dream’ or ‘After The Rush Hour’ which surprised me a little but they did play their new song ‘To Whom It May Concern’.

They played some tracks of the first album, ‘Pornography For Cowards’ had a really good atmosphere live, as did ‘Breaking The Back’, they dedicated ‘I Am The Party’ to Mike Davies, renaming it ‘Mike Davies Is The Party’.

After Million Dead me and Adam went back to the tents because there were no bands on that we were interested in for a while. Jo and Gaz got back to the texts after watching Capdown, we were all starting to feel the effects of so much walking and such little sleep, but after a while we decided to head back to the arena.

On the way there we saw someone walk past us dressed as a beer bottle, this had to be one of the funniest things we had seen all weekend, we were walking behind him laughing because he looked like he had escaped from Duff breweries, when he turned out we realized it was Luke!

He was a bit intoxicated and it took him a few minutes to focus his eyes and see who we were but he was having a wicked time, we left him too it because we had to meet Gemma and catch the next band.

Talk to me, dance with me…

Hot Hot Heat were playing on the NME/Radio 1 stage, there were a lot of people dancing in the audience who looked like they stopped off at the herbal high stand on the way there, including one bloke who looked like Timmy Mallet.

I spent most of the set being freaked out by Timmy Mallet look-alike and trying to keep a good distance away from him in case he got his mallet out, I remember them playing ‘Sandwiches’…sorry ‘Bandages’ and ’Goodnight, Goodnight’.

When they finished and we were leaving to see Razorlight I felt this really bad pain in my left knee. Now, I’d had knee troubles in the past but it was nearly always with my right knee so for my left knee to start hurting was a bit odd, plus it was absolute agony, if only I had my dihydrocodeine with me.

None of us were too fussed about seeing Razorlight and they were really boring and long drawn out too so we just sat on the ground while they got on with it. I always like that time of day though, just as the sun is setting there is a red glow lighting up the arena so I took a few photos before heading up towards the main stage for the next band.

I'm goin' so fast that I can't slow down, it's hard to get up when you're spinnin' round and round…

Kings Of Leon were introduced and they started off with ‘Molly’s Chambers’, most of the crowd knew it so they had everyone’s attentions from the word go. They played stuff from both albums including ‘Bucket’, ‘Wasted Time’, ‘4 Kicks’, ‘Red Morning Light’ and ‘King Of The Rodeo’. Caleb seemed very shy without his beard and bared a shocking resemblance to Ricardo from The Salon, at least he wasn’t dressed as a woman.

They finished with ‘Spiral Staircase’, ‘Holy Roller Novocaine’ and ‘Slow Night, So Long’, so we made our way nearer the front for the next band.

10 years ago on the NME/Melody Maker stage, a fairly new band were playing one of their first ever gigs, at the same time Bjork was headlining the main stage. 50,000 people chose this band over Bjork and which resulted the tent becoming overcrowded and nearly caused a disaster.

10 years on this band are headlining the main stage and are expected to attract about the same number of people…

And I wonder when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real forever…

The Foo Fighters came onstage to a huge cheer from the crowd and started with the title track off their new album ‘In Your Honour’, I haven’t heard their new album yet but from what I’ve heard it sounds pretty good. They could have played nothing but new songs in the 90 minute set but they varied it over their 5 albums, so there was something that old and new fans could sing along to.

The crowds were absolutely crazy, we were some distance away from the stage and were still as squashed up as if we were right at the very front, Gemma and Jo even had to retreat to the back because they were so squashed up.

The annoying 15 year olds were at it again and started the moshing, some tosser started crowd surfing and landed on my head, luckily Adam and Gareth were either side of me and we all disposed of him by throwing him forwards only for the crowds to all move away letting him fall flat on his face. Dave Grohl even made fun of the sweaty little kids all taking their sexual frustration out in the mosh pit, funnily enough we saw no moshing again after that for the whole weekend.

Dave Grohl also declared Reading as his favourite festival and said that when he writes songs he thinks “That’s going to kick arse at Reading”. After playing such classics as ‘All My Life’, ‘My Hero’, ‘Everlong’ and ‘This Is A Call’ they did something a bit different, Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins swapped places for ‘Cold Day In The Sun’ with Dave on drums and Taylor on guitar and vocals.

They closed with ‘Monkey Wrench’ which saw the whole of Reading singing along and trying to do the ‘One last thing before I quit…’ part, unsuccessfully I might add.

After they finished everyone headed back to their tents at the same time which resulted in me getting split up from Adam and Gareth, my knee was so sore I just wanted to get back to the tents but everybody was so full of energy and dancing around that it took ages to get back.

When we got back to the tents we stayed up for as long as possible, partly because it was our last night but also because there was so much noise going on that it would have been impossible to have slept.

After a while Gemma fell asleep while we were all still up trying to get the fire lit, we eventually got it going when the whole campsite was lit up by a huge warm orange glow, the people in the tent behind Gemma and Jo had thrown their picnic table onto their bonfire and caused a huge fire, the flames must have been about 10 feet tall, and some kids decided to try and jump over it too, one bloke was wearing nothing but a skirt.

Eventually some firemen came along followed by some chavs (who looked as if they had never seen a fire before) and put it out, god knows what Gemma must have thought when she woke up to find her tent almost melting under the heat.

At that point we decided that all that was enough fun for one night and to go to sleep, the only problem was the rest of Reading were still wide awake and banging a drum repeatedly until about 5 in the morning.

Sunday morning I got up zombified as usual and headed down to the car park with Gaz to move the car nearer to orange camp, I was hoping we would catch the boat but so was about 100 other people who were all queuing for it so we walked down and ended up beating the boat anyway.

We drove down to orange car park (again) only to be told we cant park there (again) so we headed to yellow car park (again) to be told we cant park there either (again). These stewards were pissing us off a bit (again), all we wanted was for somewhere to leave the car for the day and we kept getting turned away.

As we were going to risk going into orange car park again (while a steward was busy texting her friends) I spotted a space in a car park just outside it, seeing as we only needed somewhere to park for the next 12 hours then that spot suited us nicely.

We got back to the tents and started packing our stuff up ready for going back that night, any uneaten foods were eaten and any undrunken drinks were drank and we got ready for our first band of the final day.

Such holidays in the sun don’t come without sacrifices…

Funeral For A Friend were meant to be starting for 3:00 so we got there just in time…or so we thought, they were running 15 minutes early so they finished at 3:35, they were still quite good though, they played ’Streetcar’ and ’Monsters’ off the new album but I still think the first album is better, and they finished with ‘Escape Artists Never Die’.

After watching Funeral For A Friend we realized that all that standing round in the sun had taken its toll, we had all caught the sun a bit, apart from Gemma who had caught the sun a lot, she looked like she was half lobster.

We headed back to the tents while NOFX were on so we could get all our stuff (minus the tents) back in the car, then we headed back to the arena for the next band.

Six o'clock, dong, dong…

Gemma said something interesting:

“Can we see Iggy and the Stooges?”
“Yeah, if you want to.”
“Cool, I hope he gets his cock out!”
“…I beg your pardon?”
“I’ve heard he gets his cock out on stage, he’s meant to be quite well endowed”

So as not to disappoint Gemma we went to see Iggy and the Stooges, Iggy Pop came out without a top on and wearing a pair of tight jeans, none of us really knew any of his songs, he’s one of those people who it’s just good to say you’ve seen live.

The only songs of his that I remember him playing were ‘1969’ and ‘I Wanna Be Your Dog’, to be honest I found him a tad boring and I think everyone else did too.

…He didn’t get his cock out.

Better than watching Gellar bending silver spoons…

The next band were Incubus, I’ve never been too big a fan of theirs, some of their songs I really liked but those were overshadowed by the ones I didn’t like.



They played ‘Nice To Know You’ and ‘Drive’ which I really liked but then they played ‘Megalomaniac’ and their new one ‘Make A Move’ which I’m not too keen on, then it was possibly my highlight of the entire festival, they started to play ‘Wish You Were Here’, a song which I had totally forgotten about, it was just as the sun was setting too so everything was lit up by this red glow again, and suddenly all the pain, all the mud, all the standing round all weekend suddenly seemed worth every second.

…I still don’t see what the song has to do with Judith Chalmers though.

The Golden Age Of Grotesque…

At this point me and Gemma had lost Adam, Gaz and Jo. They pushed their way to the front to get a good view of Marilyn Manson, me and Gemma weren’t too bothered about him though so we stayed where we’d been stood for most of the day.

When he came onstage a big black curtain dropped to show a keyboard hanging from gallows and some freaky band who all looked like they’d been at their mum’s make up again, although I must admit they were rather entertaining.

They played ’Fight Song’ which is my favourite, and they played ‘mOBSCENE’ and ‘This Is The New Shit’ too which were also quite good. On the other had they did do ‘Tainted Love’ which I’m just bored of now.

But then I saw the most horrifying, most disgusting thing of the whole weekend, nothing would have prepared me for this…

The girl in front of me was still wearing her Reading 2004 wristband!!!! And if that wasn’t band enough, the print was still as good as new on it, although she didn’t look like the cleanest of people and I’m sure she probably hadn’t washed since Reading 2004 either.

At this point me and Gemma couldn’t stomach much more of this gross-ness so we decided to go for a walk and get some food. Normally on the last night they drop all the prices but this time they kept them all at normal price so we decided to just wait for the final band to come on.

See the blood flow, watching it shed up above my head. Iron Maiden wants you for dead…

Iron Maiden were the final band of the weekend but they took ages to set up, while we were waiting for them they were playing Iron Maiden songs to the crowd while putting the camera on all the ‘Fuck Sharon!’ signs

I’m not too much of a fan of Iron Maiden to recognise most of their songs, so I wont say what they played, to be honest I was too busy watching this couple argue at the time.

She kept getting in his face about something, I couldn’t tell what it was but he looked like he was about to hit her, he walked off, came back and it all started again, this guy was pretty well built but so was she and I reckon if they did have a fight she’d probably be on the winning end of it.

As things were getting uglier with this ugly couple we started to make our way back to the tents. When we got there we found that everyone’s tents had been put away but mine, plus I had to put mine away in the dark too.

I just about managed to pack it all up, Adam, Gareth and Jo were sat round a big bonfire with the people who were jumping over it the night before, I cant remember their names or where they were from, all I could think about was my nice big comfy bed.

We got back to the car and put our tents in (a lot easier than the first time), we started to head home but we were all so tired that we started heading towards Newbury at first before going the right way. We also remembered that the tyre was half flat but we risked life and limb and left it how it was, luckily we all got home in one piece.

The minute I got in I went straight to bed, it was the best feeling in the world, it was warm, comfy, nobody was pissing up the side of my bed and there were nobody banging a drum either.

…pity I was woken up early.