Meet The Parents…

I woke up Saturday morning quite nervous, because today not only was I meeting most of Chloe’s friends but also meeting her parents for the first time.

I had visions of myself saying or doing the wrong thing, or getting stupidly drunk and making an ass of myself. I really had to try and make a good impression.

I decided that a good start would be to get there on time, every time I have to meet Chloe something has held me up along the way so I got up early to allow myself plenty of time.

But just as expected I was late, partly because my mum spent ages in the bathroom when I needed to get ready and then even when I was ready she wanted to iron everything just to make me even later.

When I got into Birmingham I had to meet my sister who was lending me a few pounds to pay for travel and the alcohol, just after I met her I bumped into my doctor, luckily he didn’t comment on my ears this time.

As I walked to Snow Hill station to catch the metro I saw an Evening Mail stand outside with the headline ‘SNOW HILL BOMB SCARE’ on it, needless to say I was a bit worried but when I asked someone there they told me it was a false alarm.

I got into Wolverhampton and met Chloe, it was her friend Chris’ 21st and we were going to the party that evening so we needed to get something to drink, we picked up 2 bottles of wine which would be good for starters.

Then we headed off for Chloe’s house, all the way there I had visions of her parents being really over-protective of her and asking me what my ‘intentions’ were.

I walked in and they were really nice, I told them about the whole Snow Hill thing and we got on really well, although they could probably tell I was bricking it a bit.

After being reintroduced to the genius that is Family Guy and laughing my ass off we headed off to the party. I wasn’t as nervous about meeting Chloe’s friends, I had already met Chris and Max briefly before and the rest of her friends seemed pretty cool and all huge Less Than Jake fans, although one of them was a sexist and racist asshole but he left early so it wasn’t too bad.

…“BUFFALO!”

"...huh?"

I almost immediately got ‘Buffaloed’ when I sat down, this was something I hadn’t been warned about, they have an ongoing drinking game where if you drink with your right hand and someone catches you they shout ‘Buffalo’ and you have to down your drink within a minute, unfortunately for me I had half a bottle of wine in my hand but luckily they let me off.

We then started the drinking game they call ‘Reindeer’, we all sat in a circle with our hands out, someone starts as the reindeer who has to put their hands above their head (as if they had antlers), the person on the reindeer’s left puts their right hand above their head, and the person on the reindeer’s right puts their left hand above their head, the reindeer then has to shout someone’s name, clap their hands and point to them, that person is now the reindeer, and so on (if that makes any sense). If anyone doesn’t do any of this they have to take a shot from a jug of about 3 or 4 mixed drinks, considering I’d already had half a bottle of wine, a fosters and about 2 vodka thingies, I could see myself making an ass out of myself.

To start with I didn’t understand the rules and I got caught out twice, but then I got the hang of it and was on a roll, we got through 2 jugs of drinks and people were starting to drop out to either be sick or because they had more sense than to carry on, I did rather well seeing as I’m a lightweight and I was only a bit tipsy.

After a while Chloe and I decided to head off as we were both tired and we needed to get a taxi, I rang 3 or 4 different taxi firms but none were answering, just by chance Mel (who had drank a bit too much) was trying to get in a taxi parked outside so we got in it with her. She only got the taxi because she knew the driver and phoned his mobile, as she got out she turned to the driver and said “Thanks Donkey!”

Donkey?!

…oh!

The next day it was all rainy and I had to get back home, I wasn’t too happy about it because not only would I get soaked but I had such a great weekend that I didn’t want to go home. We had Marmite on toast and coffee and watched the Formula 1 and something about snakes and spiders on their huge TV, then just before 4 her parents were having family over so I had to start heading home.

On the way home I got the cheap skanky number 50 bus, it seems to be a haven for weirdos and the floors are sticky with all the chewing gum, some bloke sat in front of me kept picking his nose and eating it with grubby fingers, it made me feel sick but its always a sign your back in Birmingham.