You Mean The Person That Put Plastic Fist In My Anus Is Homosexual?...

Ok, ok…I know I’ve broken my oath about updating at least once a week, but let me explain…ok, I can’t explain, I just didn’t get round to doing it. But I’m updating this now and it’ll be a big blog too so here’s the deal, make yourself comfortable, get yourself a tea, coffee, whatever, and take the next 20 minutes or so having a good read.

Comfortable?…then we shall begin…

Last weekend we arranged to have some fireworks round Adam’s house. Me, Gaz, Marcus, Jo and Jenny turned up with the ammunition, Marcus had invested in a firework which was about a foot tall and had to be kept inside a metal case which resembled something which you might see at an Anne Summers party for elephants.

We stood in the garden and set off the smaller ones first, they were just like warm up ones for the big mothers really. We set up the first big one, lit it and all stood back. As I was photographing it I saw something out of the corner of my eye by my leg, a firework had toppled over in the wet ground and decided it wanted to kill us all. After all running in screaming we decided to be a bit more safer around these things…especially around the elephant dildo.

After using half of the fireworks and deciding that we were all about to lose toes to frostbite we headed off to the Red Lion for a quick drink and a few games of pool, it took me about an hour to get any feeling back in my toes but thankfully none of them turned black.

Sunday morning I woke up about 10ish to hear my mum shouting up the stairs at me to get up…it was only 10am, something had to be up.

I went downstairs and my mum told me we had a problem, I looked in the kitchen and saw a big puddle of water by the sink. I opened the cupboard and saw some water tricking out of a pipe. I tried turning the valve off to isolate the pipe but it wouldn’t turn, I tried harder and it got worse. I phoned my dad for assistance and he told me that if the valve couldn’t be turned off we should turn it off at the mains and get a plumber to come out.

Problem #1: We have no mains tap, the only way to turn if off is on the street and that means the street has no water either.

Problem #2: It was Sunday, this meant plumbers could charge as much as they want.

We called one plumber who said he’d be round in 15 minutes, in this time I thought I’d try that valve again, it moved quite a bit, unfortunately the water started gushing and the kitchen was flooded, I tried turning it the other way…nothing. I turned the bath on full blast to alter the water pressure and just had to wait for the plumber. He fixed it pretty quickly and only charged £35 too. Is it wrong to say that all this time I was thirsty?

On Saturday evening we were all taking about seeing Borat at the cinema on Monday, I was really looking forward to this as it looked really good. Monday evening I got the times of the film and then found out that Jenny wanted to see Saw 3 instead, I was a little bit disappointed as I was really looking forward to seeing Borat, but I was outvoted and decided that I’d see Saw 3 anyway. The film wasn’t as good as the previous 2 Saw films, I felt that they sacrificed the storyline just for the gore and the gruesome bits.

Tuesday morning I got up early so that I could be at the job centre to sign on, I picked up my book and realized that I got the time completely wrong and that I had to be there at 2:50...back to bed. When I got to the job centre it was all fairly straightforward, it seemed more like a 10 minute chat, I was going to suggest tea and biscuits but I thought I might be pushing my luck.

In the evening I went with Adam and Gaz to Wetherspoons in Solihull. It wasn’t too crowded and we even managed to get a booth. After looking at the food menu we decided to all go for the burger and drink for £3.99 offer, it felt like years since I had a burger that nice, I felt so full up afterwards though. Afterwards we all walked…or waddled back to the car to watch some episodes of Wildboys at Adam’s house.

On Monday evening we were all taking about seeing Borat at the cinema on Wednesday, I was really looking forward to this as it looked really good. Wednesday evening I got the times of the film and then found out that Jenny planned for us all to go to the pub quiz instead, I was a little bit disappointed as I was really looking forward to seeing Borat, but I was outvoted and decided that I’d see stay at home instead…do you see a pattern emerging here?

Thursday evening Adam phones me saying that he was going to see Borat at the cinema with Steve from work if I fancied coming along, I said hell yes and met them in Solihull, we were later joined by Marcus and Jenny, they sat away from us though as they couldn’t see where we were sat.

The film was every bit as good as I hoped it would be, it’ll make you laugh, cry and vomit. In fact it was so good that I want to see it again. Nobody should go through life without seeing this film.

Actually on the subject of Borat, I found this website the other day, have a look at it…*click*

After the film we all went to Casa, it was a shithole, they played really loud dance music, although nobody was dancing. Even though we were only in there 45 minutes they played that ‘Put your hands up for Detroit’ song 3 times, I couldn’t wait to leave, I felt really out of place there.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a migraine, unfortunately this was the same day that my mum wanted to rearrange the whole lounge, after helping her I was ready to die. I had a sleep and then found out that my mum and sister were both going to visit my nan, I decided that maybe if I had a walk down the road with them I’d feel better. When we got there my aunt was there too, should brought a bottle of whiskey with her which was just what the doctor ordered…stupidly I should have eaten during the day so by the time we left I was finding it hard to walk in a straight line.

I bought Family Guy: Stewie Griffin the untold story on DVD during the week, I’ll leave you with a quick clip from it…



...Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man!